


The Great Definitely Important Discussion

by nothingtoseeherefolks



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Captain Marvel (Marvel Comics), DCU, DCU (Comics), Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Bruce just wants some goddamn coffee, Buncha bat nerds arguing over hypothetical situations, Captain Marvel vs. Superman, M/M, One-Shot, Probably inaccurate?, arguing batkids, batman pajamas, cute and fluffy, five people talking in a conversation at once is pure Chaos, if Alfred were here he would disapprove immensely, just the boys sorry lassies, sleepy Clark, sleepy bruce, sorta a cross-over? not really, swearing because Jason Todd’s potty mouth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22054948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingtoseeherefolks/pseuds/nothingtoseeherefolks
Summary: Who would win in a fight: Captain Marvel or Superman? Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian discuss this very important topic. Bruce is thoroughly amused. Clark gets no say in the matter.
Relationships: Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne, Superman/Batman
Comments: 20
Kudos: 280





	The Great Definitely Important Discussion

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is not serious, so please take anything said in it with a grain of salt. I feel like I should also clarify this is the Ms. Marvel/Carol Danvers version of Captain Marvel.

“Look, I’m just saying—“

“And I’m just saying you’re wrong!”

“As much as I dread to say it, I agree with Jason,” Dick murmurs.

“Fucking thank you!”

“You are a pair of idiots. She can move the _sun_.”

“Well sure, but with her power source—“

“Boys,” Bruce interrupts wearily. All eyes turn to him as he enters the kitchen. In his wake, a bleary-eyed Clark Kent dressed in Batman pajamas. “What are you all arguing so loudly about this early in the morning?”

“The most _riveting_ conversation, I assure you, Father,” Damian answers sarcastically. Jason smacks him over the head. Damian swivels around as if to bite him.

“They think Captain Marvel is stronger than Clark,” Jason snarls, yanking his fingers away from the preteen.

The sheer ridiculousness caused Bruce to snort, muttering _Captain Marvel vs. **Clark**_ under his breath.

“What?” Clark tries to whine, but was interrupted by a yawn. Bruce rolls his eyes.

“And we’re _right_ ,” Tim says shortly, eliciting a indignant noise from Dick.

“Wait. Hold up. What are you guys talking about?” Clark asks, though he might as well not said anything at all, because no one paid him any mind.

“ _Captain Marvel_ ,” Bruce repeats, raising an eyebrow. “The fictional comic book character, that’s what you all have been arguing about?”

“Yes!” all the boys reply simultaneously.

Bruce sighs and takes a sip of his coffee. He raises his drink in toast. “Humor me. State your arguments.”

“Well,” Tim starts. “Captain Marvel shares many of the abilities that Clark has but her attacks are magic-related so that would put her at an automatic advantage.”

“ _What_?! She doesn’t have magic,” Dick yells.

“Magic-related,” Tim corrects.

“Bullshit. She’s a glorified glow-stick,” Jason snaps. “She absorbs energy. It lets her fly and shoot fire.”

Tim stammers in disbelief. “She doesn’t _absorb_ energy from the sun,” Tim rebuts. “She practically _is_ a sun. Plus, she can enter binary state and tap into the energy of a _white hole_ and, like Damian said, she could just move the sun away and de-power him. Not to mention, she can control _radiation_ aka red sun radiation. Case in point.” He turns to face him. “Sorry, Clark but you’d be doomed.”

“Uh,” is his intelligent response. “I don’t—“ Bruce shushes him, seemingly paying apt attention to the situation unfolding in front of him.

“That’s assuming a lot,” Jason replies with a scoff. “That’s assuming she _knows_ what Clark is and what he weaknesses are, and, ta-fucking-da: Last time I checked, Kryptonians don’t exist in the Marvel universe, so she wouldn’t have a _clue_ he’d be powered by a sun, much less be weakened under a red one.”

“And besides,” Dick adds. “That’s also assuming she comes at him full force from the start. Captain Marvel would probably get cocky and underestimate him. She would rush into battle and expect an easy fight. By the time she would realizes her error, she will have burned herself out. Boom. Un-doomed. You’re welcome, Clark.”

“You say that as if Superman does not also underestimate his enemies,” Damian says. “He is similar in the way that he rushes in recklessly and without proper calculation. It is likely he would try to use his heat-vision, which would only serve to power her up further, like an idiot.”

“Hey, I’m right here,” Clark says meekly

“Right after she tries to throw the sun at him right? Because she would most _definitely_ try to hurl him into the sun,” Jason remarks.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this—Damian is right, you _are_ idiots,” Tim says. “You asked why she would know? She has incredible knowledge about the universe. In the case if she were real, she probably would’ve eaten sushi with the Kryptonians at some point. She would most definitely be familiar with them.”

“Kryptonians don’t eat meat,” Clark points out, shamelessly ignored again.

“She wouldn’t know that the red-sun is a weakness, though. Back then it was just a state of being for them. In actuality, it would probably cause her to _underestimate_ Clark and make her think Kryptonians were like that all the time,” Jason argues.

“She would know when the moment he approaches her because of her senses. She can evaluate any threats to her being accordingly. Her magic—“

“She doesn’t have magic, _God_! how many times do I have to say it?” Jason snaps. Dick began to raise a dubious finger.

“Actually I’m the one who—“

“Shut the hell up, Grayson. She doesn’t have magic. She’s actually _weak_ to magic, you morons. What you’re talking about is _photon blasts_ , and are you trying to fucking tell me shooting _sunlight_ at the Boy Scout will impede him?”

Clark sighs, “ _Boys_.” He sneaks a helpless glance over at Bruce, who simply takes a mild sip of his coffee.

“‘ _Impede_ ’? Wow, Todd. Your vocabulary is astounding. Maybe one day you will be able to have a convincing argument,” Damian mocks loudly.

Jason’s eyes burn with fury. “Why you—“

“What about the cosmic sense,” Tim interrupts quickly. “You completely ignored that bit, didn’t you? She can predict movements before they even come.”

“That was only in the early days of her character,” Dick counters. “Most modern adaptions fixed that plot-causing disaster waiting to happen. Really, _most_ of the stuff you guys are mentioning is kinda reaching, all things considered. Get with the times, Tim.”

“You are all forgetting the most vital part,” Damian growls. “She is vastly more skillful than Superman in combat, due to her training in the military as well as a Kree. Since he would not be able to use his other abilities due to her absorption, he would have to resort to hand-to-hand combat. If she is a mere _fraction_ as skilled as Wonder Woman in martial arts, he would fail with certainty.”

“Like I said earlier. She is hot-headed as all hell and not the brightest. It’s one of her weak points. Look it up. She scores only a _three_ on the Marvel website,” Dick explains. “And trust me, there is no way she is even _comparable_ to Wonder Woman in skill, so get that out of your head. Plus, Clark is most likely physically stronger than she is, and he isn’t...” he falters, “he isn’t _terrible_ at hand-to-hand combat.”

Even Clark snorts at that. “Thanks, Dick.”

“But that’s besides the point,” Dick says. “She has been confident in her own powers so long, she probably has slacked in her training.”

“Hah! Whose assuming things now?” Damian sneers. “Captain Marvel is as powerful as a white hole—“

“A _white asshole_ , maybe,” Jason interrupts. “But with the stick shoved so far up there—“

Tim scowls at the comment, but he ignores him. “ _And_ she can do most of the things Clark can and _more_ , and she doesn’t even need the sun. She could just trail him on to some galaxy with a different colored sun, and not be bothered at all. Because the powers come from _within_ herself. Just admit it guys, Captain Marvel is stronger than Superman.”

Jason’s mouth opens, ready to counter, but before he could Clark coughs deliberately.

“Can I _please_ say something?” Much to his surprise, the boys stop. Their eyes widen, as if they just noticed he was there. With everyone’s attention now on him, he sighs. “Look, I don’t know what the hell you guys are talking about because I’m an old man who doesn’t keep up with comic books anymore.” He chuckles, “Sorry to disappoint but, this is all...”

He catches himself mid-sentence, and looks around the kitchen at each one of them. Their eyes sparkling with barely restrained earnest. He smiles at them.

“Y’know what? I’ll tell you what I would do.” He catches eyes with the youngest.

“Damian was right. I would go in head-first.” But before the boy could cheer, Clark continues, “Yep. Head-first: shake her hand and introduce myself.”

The celebration stops immediately. The bat-kids stare at him and already look as if they wanted to argue. The others frozen, Tim flips through his notebook, already pulling up arguing points, but Clark raises a hand to silence them.

“Despite what you all seem to think, I’m an actual _person_ —A Midwesterner at that—with common sense and goddamn manners. Instead of whatever power-frenzy you guys came up with, I would probably just ask if she would like to talk over some cheap Chinese takeout, and we could talk about how freaky the universe is and all that jazz.”

At all the poorly disguised disgruntled looks, Clark raises an eyebrow. “What, am I missing something? Is she secretly like a murderer or something?”

“Well, no,” Dick murmurs.

“Then we would eat Chinese takeout together,” he reaffirms. “We could have a nice conversation I hope. And from what you kids described we have a lot in common, so I can’t imagine that’s be difficult: Similar powers, we both protect the universe, weakness to magic, I mean, she sounds like a real _pal_ in the making to me.”

“We are talking in rhetoric, alien,” Damian says, frustrated. “If the case was you _must_ fight to the death who would win?”

Clark stares thoughtfully for a moment, considering his words carefully. “If that was the scenario then...well, either way I’d lose. Even if it was the case where I won, I would have to kill her—and sacrifice my values, my beliefs, _who I am_ —for my life, and I can’t say that would be a kind of life I would like to live. I would lose myself doing something like that,” Clark says. “In a serious situation where one of us must die, I would gladly sacrifice myself so she could live.”

“How _noble_ ,” Jason sighs mockingly.

“We should’ve predicted a non-answer from _Superman_ ,” Dick murmurs under his breath. “He’s been dodging the media for years.”

Jason starts again, clasping his hands together. “Okay, here’s a better scenario. She’s mad evil, aight? For some damn reason. Irreversibly mind-control and wants to destroy the galaxy. You can’t bullshit yourself out of this one. What do you do?”

Clark smiles. “That’s an easy one.” He pulls on the front of his pajama shirt to emphasize the symbol. “I would sick _Batman_ on her.” He leans over and shared a chaste kiss with Bruce, much to the boys dismay.

“I’d kick her ass,” Bruce agrees sleepily. He puts down his coffee, and pulls Clark closer by the front of his shirt.

“ _Ew_ ,” Tim groans.

“Get a room,” Dick grumbles with a grimace.

Jason makes gagging noises and Damian actually gags.

“Well, if that’s settled,” Bruce says. “I hope you all can focus on _actual_ cases from now on. No more of this nonsense. Now scram and let me enjoy what’s left of my breakfast in peace.”

“Geez,” Tim sighs, as he drags his feet along. “I can’t believe in a fight between Captain Marvel and Superman, _Batman_ would win.”

“Batman always wins,” Jason replies bitterly. “It’s like he’s the universe’s golden child or something...”

“Scram,” Bruce repeats with a motion of his hand.

* * *

After the boys left, the two sat at the small breakfast table. They share a few words about a Justice League issue, but they remain mostly silent, just enjoying each other’s presence. It was times like these that were the most romantic, most intimate, nowadays. A moment of calm in their constant tornado of lives. 

Eventually, Clark glances away with a small smile gracing his lips. Bruce looks up at the sudden movement with a raised eyebrow.

“Seriously though, who do you think would win?” Clark asks curiously.

“Hmm?”

“Based on the kids’ arguments and what you already know about the character, who would win in a fight, me or Captain Marvel?”

He tilts his chin, a mild look in his eye. “I thought you would go on a Chinese takeout date?”

“Ah come on, don’t be like that. Just humor me. You seem to know a lot more about this than you’re letting on.”

Bruce hums. “Reheat my coffee, will you?” After seeing the steam come back up, he made a quiet noise of thanks, and takes a long sip. “I’ll let you in on a little secret, Clark.”

“What’s that?” he asks, curiosity piqued.

“There are probably millions of scenarios where you would win, and millions where she would,” Bruce explains. “If you were fighting on a planet where you were weaker, for example. It would be no contest. Is the battle one-on-one? because if not, you would win by a landslide with the Justice League, and quite frankly, the _universe_ by your side. Captain Marvel is a bit of a lone star, and doesn’t have as many allies as you do.

“And like the boys said, how much you know about each other is also a playing factor.” He waves his hand. “It’s all entirely situational, so it’s impossible to conclude a decisive winner,” Bruce says. “Not to mention her universe is vastly different than ours. The way power is measured there may be completely different. Especially when you take in account constant variations and inconsistent writers from both universes.”

It takes a moment, and Clark’s eyes slowly widen as he slowly processes what he just heard.

Bruce takes a sip of his coffee.

“Pardon? _Both_?”

Bruce shrugs. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Wait, Bruce. You can’t just—what do you mean _writers_ —“

“Like Jason said earlier,” Bruce says simply. “I’m the universe’s golden child, Clark. I know things.”

“What the fu—“

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> Epilogue:
> 
> “What are you doing?” 
> 
> Carol winces, scratching at her ear. “I don’t know. I just got this weird tingling in my ear.”
> 
> Steve looks at her with a crooked smile. “They say that happens only when someone is talking about you. That’s what everyone always told me.”
> 
> Carol snorts. “Yeah, sure.”
> 
> “Unless you rather believe it is some microscopic organism crawling in your ear to mind-control you or steal your memories for the millionth time?”
> 
> “Thanks, Steve. Real helpful. I know I could count on you.” She rolls her eyes.
> 
> He shrugs. “It’s true. I mean, at this point shouldn’t you come up with some sort of backup plan?”
> 
> “I have backup plans,” she replies. “I’m just very unlucky.”
> 
> “How about a backup, backup plan, then?”
> 
> “And backup plans to those backup plans?” She asks with a inquisitive look. “I might as well start calling you Batman.”
> 
> Steve grins. He puts his shield in front of his face like a cape, and the other hand to use as ears. “I am the night,” he says in a raspy tone. “I am darkness. My parents died! Graah!” She stifles a laugh, but couldn’t stop the smile from reaching her eyes.
> 
> “Oh come on, if you were any comic book superhero you’d probably be Superman or something,” Carol replies. She turns, puffing her chest out with her hands on her hips. “Truth, Justice, and the American way,” she says in a macho voice. “—that’s you.”
> 
> Before Steve could reply, the lights cut out, and the machines in front of them powered off. They turned to face a shadowy figure in front of them. Both heroes stiffen, stepping into a battle stance.
> 
> The glow of Carol’s powers allow them to see a faint smirk on the familiar looking cowl. 
> 
> “Your impressions are shit.”
> 
> End.


End file.
